Maybe they’re supposed to be caught
Rescued from falling to the ground
They tried to transform and hung on for dear life
Maybe letting them go while bright and fiery
Was a mistake
Maybe they aren’t happy or beautiful
Maybe the long hot days
And cold bitter winds
Finally shook their core
Maybe they needed help
But instead of help
They got raked into a pile
Labelled as waste
Trashed and forgotten
As the cold takes over
The world goes on without them
Looking forward to new spring buds
Praising the strong hearty trees with deep roots
That never break
And never fall
That delicate leaf
That tried to thrive in the chaos of inconsistency and with no stability
And blended into the earth
I’m not about to eat them everyday but wow what a nice experience for my mouth that was.
I like to do things the exact same every time. If I have a way to get somewhere I’m not likely going to change it. Even if you promise it’s faster, or easier. If I’ve already figured out MY way, that’s it. Things like pulling into the driveway. I pull up. Sometimes my husband backs in…no…why are you doing that? I like to eat the same things together and can sometimes eat the same meal everyday. I pack my kids lunches almost exactly the same everyday. Luckily they are also creatures of habit.
Once I figured out where to take my recycling I was horrified when I was told there was a much closer one to go to. Uh no. That means going in and figuring this new place out. Starting from scratch?! NO! There is just such a heavy weight that comes with getting to an unfamiliar place and then going in and “making friends” with that new space and the new faces. I actually DID try this closer recycling place. It WAS much closer and MUCH cleaner and easier so it is now my place.
Sometimes if the planets align and I face my fears and try something new it becomes my new thing which is why, even though I describe myself as super set in my ways and unlikely to change, it doesn’t mean I want to completely shut down and never again look at the possibilities ….it just means the lead up and the many variables have to be just so.
Then one magical day I might try eating a plain marshmallow and like it! I am 41 and just tried my very first plain marshmallow after years of assuming they were too sticky and too sweet. I’m not about to eat them everyday but wow what a nice experience for my mouth that was. Now, to be completely honest, because lord knows I cannot leave out precious details, I DID only agree to eat the marshmallow if I rolled a 5. I did. And no, I don’t roll the dice for all my decisions. Some of you may try bungee jumping, some of us sample a well known well loved treat with far more trepidation.
I don’t want to be required to talk to people to get my food.
I don’t usually like eating at restaurants or other peoples houses. I don’t want to be required to talk to people to get my food. What if they seat me at a table with 2-4 hard chairs? No, I need a booth. A quiet, cozy booth out of the way of traffic and bright windows. What if I order something super scrumptious and want to stuff it in, but then cannot even enjoy it because of all the people around who might be watching me eat? I’ll be forced to take pretty little bites and dab my lips over and over. Things will get sloppy and I’ll be stuck trekking through a bunch of tables and people to find the washroom. It will be smelly and have super loud flushing toilets that flush when I’m not ready. There will be hand dryers that only go off once I am certain they aren’t working with my type of motion. It will be too dark to actually see the sauce on my uncomfortable outing outfit. As I find my way back to the table I will wonder if people are staring. If I see someone look at me I will assume I have something dreadful stuck to my shoe or worse, maybe I forgot to pull my pants up! I’ll wish I had checked the mirror just one more time.
I don’t feel “chill” enough to risk going to someone’s house where I’m likely already in something way less comfy than yoga pants and a sweater and then be served fish. Or something equally grotesque like liver? How do I maintain my happy-go-lucky, calm persona when the look and smell of the food on my plate make me feel like I might start spinning around while vomiting like the exorcist girl? What if they have no diet coke…only regular? What if they don’t have kids and want to talk about politics? What if they have some fancy fork or tong that everyone but me knows how to use? What if their toilet runs over?? What if they serve wine and they start to wonder if I had too much when I slur my words, not realizing I’m just really uncomfortable and rarely speak without some sort of nonsense coming out. What if I DO have too much wine and I start channeling their deceased Grandma or recently departed hamster?? No thanks, I’ll eat at home.
You wouldn’t ask Santa if we could “do this more often” Hasn’t he done enough?
“Hey, let’s go for coffee” Uh, excuse me? No. That’s just way too aggressive. Like where are we going? Will it be hard to find, is wide open parking available? What kind of people will be there? Will I feel awkward? (of course I’ll feel awkward) Will they have weird coffees that nobody knows how to pronounce? Will I need to pay ten dollars for a big silly mug of some hard to pronounce brew that I will be too nervous to even enjoy? Will someone else you know show up, forcing me to act all cool and fun? Will it turn into shopping and a movie? Will I be unable to concoct a good enough reason why I can’t go. Is “I need to go home and sit quietly” a good enough reason to refuse a continued interaction? If I’m able to get out of there safely will you start popping in? What if you start calling me to kill time? Will I happily agree to your super fun party while we are being all social and then finally, at home, be in the pits of hell trying to figure my way out of it? I can maybe do one event. Per year. It takes me the rest of the year to reflect on it and find moments to recover from it. Kinda like Santa. You wouldn’t ask Santa if we could “do this more often” Hasn’t he done enough? I realize I’m not heading out with a sleigh full of toys and bringing joy to one and all but I’m preparing and planning and will be putting on my best self when it’s my time. When I head home that’s it. Year off.