I’m Here

I’m here. I need you to know.

I replay moments that we shared and ones I’ve dreamed

For you I’m just a scent and just a song away

For me you’re a whisper, a smile, a big step forward when I’m afraid and tired.

I see you being brave.
In that moment you breathe in
In that moment you breathe out
In that moment your tears flow freely
In that moment you choose joy
I am here.

For you I live in an entire kaleidoscope of infinite stories that you read and tell and remember how they were told to you while I held you in my arms.
There’s nothing like that warm, safe dream of together.

I wish for it every second I’m still.
I beg for it back when I’m worn out.
When I don’t have anything left to hide all the stuff I keep underneath.

Those days do come
I’ll be there to help you hold that heavy feeling
You’ll find peace in a memory and laughter will soon follow.

I just wish you were here

I am ~ close your eyes
Do you see me?
Just on the other side of the thinnest wall where you can still feel my presence.
Still hear my laughter
Still feel your heart thumping when you see my eyes light up for you.

I really wish I could talk to you
Just once more

You can~I hear you
I bet you can hear me too

My love knows you through and through and treasures every bit.
You get to keep that for all eternity
And so do I.
Love exists in a realm surpassing life and death.

How do I find you?
How will I know you’re still here with me?

Did you know there is no end sweetheart~~
Only places far beyond our imagination
With lights as bright as the sun
No fear, no pain, no worry
Just joy. Just love.

You may feel we have separated
But we remain
Long after we must part
Love remains~~

It will wrap you up like a warm towel after a hot bath.
It will sing you to sleep.
It will wake you when the sky is so beautifully blue
that you simply must not miss it.
Maybe you will find a nickel
Catch a rainbow gracing gloom
Spot a dragonfly under the sparkling sun
See the most delicious bloom under a peculiar tree
See a bird soar high above this Wild world.
That is my love being sent straight to you

That is when you’ll know
You have found me
When you have opened your heart
Just enough to see the magic
That remains
That is me
I am always there

I was on top of the world from the day I knew we would be together
I am still ….
Right here.
A light to guide you through this world
In your heart
And right beside you too
Every step of the way.

Keep on being brave
It matters
The tough parts are little bridges that we must trust and
we must cross.
They don’t go on forever.
They just get us to the good stuff.

I hope you do the things you love today.
Go for a drive,
Walk through the garden
Bake a cake
Drink a big cup of coffee with just the right milk and sugar.
Make yourself smile cuz that’s the time I love the most. 🙂
I love you always, forever,
and still…

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I’ll eat at home.

I don’t want to be required to talk to people to get my food.

I don’t usually like eating at restaurants or other peoples houses. I don’t want to be required to talk to people to get my food. What if they seat me at a table with 2-4 hard chairs?  No, I need a booth.  A quiet, cozy booth out of the way of traffic and bright windows.  What if I order something super scrumptious and want to stuff it in, but then cannot even enjoy it because of all the people around who might be watching me eat? I’ll be forced to take pretty little bites and dab my lips over and over.  Things will get sloppy and I’ll be stuck trekking through a bunch of tables and people to find the washroom. It will be smelly and have super loud flushing toilets that flush when I’m not ready.  There will be hand dryers that only go off once I am certain they aren’t working with my type of motion. It will be too dark to actually see the sauce on my uncomfortable outing outfit.  As I find my way back to the table I will wonder if people are staring.  If I see someone look at me I will assume I have something dreadful stuck to my shoe or worse, maybe I forgot to pull my pants up!  I’ll wish I had checked the mirror just one more time.

I don’t feel “chill” enough to risk going to someone’s house where I’m likely already in something way less comfy than yoga pants and a sweater and then be served fish. Or something equally grotesque like liver? How do I maintain my happy-go-lucky, calm persona when the look and smell of the food on my plate make me feel like I might start spinning around while vomiting like the exorcist girl? What if they have no diet coke…only regular? What if they don’t have kids and want to talk about politics? What if they have some fancy fork or tong that everyone but me knows how to use? What if their toilet runs over??  What if they serve wine and they start to wonder if I had too much when I slur my words, not realizing I’m just really uncomfortable and rarely speak without some sort of nonsense coming out.  What if I DO have too much wine and I start channeling their deceased Grandma or recently departed hamster??  No thanks, I’ll eat at home.