Surrender

I guess I wished I could set it aside
Leave it behind
That it would disappear
Or be picked up
Cracks patched
And be ok

But that’s not how we did things
I understood it belonged to me
Only for me
And no one else
I understood that nobody else
Wanted to see it

If they did
They would see imperfection,
weakness,
failure..

So I smuggled it in
Under a lovely sleepy moon
Cursed it for not being worthy
And as the sun came up
Placed it gently into a beautiful box
Wrapped it in pretty paper
Tied it tightly with a very nice ribbon
And towed it behind me like a prisoner would drag a ball a chain

Sometimes people ask
What is that??
It looks so pretty
It seems special,
Why do you ignore it?

Oh that?
It IS pretty
I make sure it looks just right
I make sure it doesn’t get in anyone else’s way
It is only for me
And no one else

I’m not sure if I’ll ever open it..

I’m sure getting tired of dragging it around though..

Sometimes I imagine how I would feel
To rip it open
Like it were Christmas morning
And shout “Ta da!!”
“Hey look at this!!”
Put it on display for all to see

There’s just no chance for it,
Hidden within such pretty paper

But to display it, say, on a mantle
Well there,
It may fall~~
Fall to the hard tile floor
Forever set free
Like me~~

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You Are With Me

Having known you~
Joy and tranquility
Are forever with me
I am without you
But you are with me

There isn’t another just like you
I haven’t found one even close
Like my favourite apples
When there are none
I leave without
Cuz I’d rather have none
Than one not quite right

Well, without you
I wander around …and I’m without.
I’m without you.
Right now in this moment you aren’t with me.
But your beautiful face,
Your chuckling, bubbling laughter,
Your wit,
Your warmth and accepting spirit that creates joy and tranquility,
Well that is with me.

Having known you~
Joy and tranquility
Are forever with me
I am without you
But you are with me

Thank you…

you are the fresh air
playing in the flowers
that rise wildly through a darkened earth

When I turn from the sun, shoulders slumped
I breathe you in
And find strength for one more step

That step leads me to butterflies, square dancing through an abundant garden

It pulls me through shadows left behind from a devoted storm

I stop in awe…

Every rainbow has met as one~ into a beam of endless colour

exactly where I once felt cold and alone…worried and scared

now only light…

only colour…

only new wishes for new days…

Sweet hope …

I watch my thoughts that have held me down, heavy with fear,

earn their wings,

and soar to the sun,

and as they leave me

I say …

thank you~

 

 

What Will You Bring With You?

I met you at the golden gate
Where love and peace and heaven wait…
I asked you what you brought with you,
In a life review of how you grew.
You took my hand, and your eyes met mine,
And you started to explain..
Each step you took,
Each jump you made,
The places you went,
The homes you stayed,
All crafted and cradled in wonder and light,
The dreams in the day and the stars at night…
A single bloom,
The blasted gloom,
A brand new start,
A patchwork heart…
Your song to sleep,
A river deep,
To the mountain high,
And a well earned sigh..
These little things,
All packed up small,
Filled your soul,
From spring to fall..
As you’re called back home,
Where your path began,
A little boy,
To this fine young man…

Two Souls In Separate Rooms

Walls so thin…

 

Memories of moments we shared

Dreams of times I wish we had

my love for you keeps things bright–

so your love for me finds it’s way home-

it always does

You’re always near-

we r just two souls in separate rooms

The walls so thin

I can feel your beating heart

I miss you

I love you

Laundry

Until the last sock finds a friend 🙂

Why don’t I stay where the water flows slowly,
Where the breeze is gentle?

When you find the perfect spot,
Why would you wander?

The sun sets,
The clouds roll in,
You have laundry…

As you leave the pretty,
And enter monotonous,
take hold of a tired hamper…

Take hold of the necessary.
Carry it through, complete it.
Until the last sock finds a friend.

And all the while,
See the water that flows
in unending peace.

Today, find a picture for your mind
To keep when all you see
Is a pile of clothes
Worn happily

I promise you…

My precious girl
Strong and
True
I promise to
Send signs for you
They may be teeny..
Those little hands,
Or knock your socks off
bold and grand
sad regrets
A million or two
I want to still be with you too
I know it’s awful, empty, cold
I wanted to be there to hold
Open this new book
You only need to read one page
To free you from this unlocked cage
You’ll feel the warmth that trust will bring
To wrap you up and make you sing
Don’t fret my love
I’m still right here
So proud of you
Believe my dear
I will help clear your way
If you take a step ahead today
It can be one just to the door
It could be two
A little more
Until the sun finds your golden hair
Your sweetest freckles
The ring you wear
And Boy will it shine
It’s going to shine and remind you just how much you are needed in this world in every living breathing moment
I was one that knew you but the world deserves to know you too
Trust me angel
I’m going to help you through

A Letter from my dad…written by me

Do you remember that day I sat at the table, head in hands?

When you told me “you’re a good man dad”

I replied “I don’t know”

Hi

I know it’s kind of late

And I should have told you then

I should have and I would have if I only could have

You meant the world to me

You lit up the room

Your little face so full of hope

Your courage to show sun in that room of dark and gloom

Why didn’t I let you get to me with your light

Your hope that I’d be happy that day…or the next, or the next

You kept a smile for me.

I know it was hard to put it on when all around was ugly

Ugly words dripping from the walls to the floor

Leaving piles of muck years and years old

Your feet would drag with all their mite to get through

Cuz maybe that day, things would be different

But it never would be

I couldn’t be who you wished me to be

The Steve Martin dad who lit up for his daughter

That look that let her know how proud he was

She was good enough

She was so much more

And you were, my little strawberry banana shortcake baby

Do you remember that day I sat at the table, head in hands?

When you told me “you’re a good man dad”

I replied “I don’t know”

I know I didn’t deserve your resilience

I can imagine what you should have said to me

I want you to know I’m sorry

I want to tell you that I wish I could have said I’m sorry

Started fresh

Given you all what you deserved

A place to be loved and feel happy

A place that was kind, respectful and peaceful

A home where you were sure of yourself and how wonderful you are.

Instead you woke up each morning and listened ….waiting to hear my voice

Would I be ok

Would I be screaming and nasty

Would my face already be twisted with anger,

Shrieking toxic hate

Either way you would face each day and try so hard to be everything you could to somehow fix me and make me happy and proud of all of us.

I wish you had known to save your energy for better things.

Nothing you could do would have made a difference

I’m sorry you wore yourself out giving from an empty bucket

I thank God your mom is who she is

Through all my rage she showed you care and love

She made you feel important and special despite being torn down each day

Where did she find the endless well to water what I left to die in the drought

I’ll never be able to repair the damage I did

I poured that thick cloud of disgust on everything our family did

In the best of days I could throw a match that would burn every good thing out of every good moment

I had a skill with rancid words like no other

I am sorry

I wanted so much to be the man you could still see in me

I was in there, but my dear girl, somehow along my path I lost him and my anger grew like a wildfire

I know you don’t understand where it came from.

I know you wish you could

But no matter the why or how of it, one thing is certain

My family deserved better

I love you

I’m proud of you

I’m sorry