I’m Here

I’m here. I need you to know.

I replay moments that we shared and ones I’ve dreamed

For you I’m just a scent and just a song away

For me you’re a whisper, a smile, a big step forward when I’m afraid and tired.

I see you being brave.
In that moment you breathe in
In that moment you breathe out
In that moment your tears flow freely
In that moment you choose joy
I am here.

For you I live in an entire kaleidoscope of infinite stories that you read and tell and remember how they were told to you while I held you in my arms.
There’s nothing like that warm, safe dream of together.

I wish for it every second I’m still.
I beg for it back when I’m worn out.
When I don’t have anything left to hide all the stuff I keep underneath.

Those days do come
I’ll be there to help you hold that heavy feeling
You’ll find peace in a memory and laughter will soon follow.

I just wish you were here

I am ~ close your eyes
Do you see me?
Just on the other side of the thinnest wall where you can still feel my presence.
Still hear my laughter
Still feel your heart thumping when you see my eyes light up for you.

I really wish I could talk to you
Just once more

You can~I hear you
I bet you can hear me too

My love knows you through and through and treasures every bit.
You get to keep that for all eternity
And so do I.
Love exists in a realm surpassing life and death.

How do I find you?
How will I know you’re still here with me?

Did you know there is no end sweetheart~~
Only places far beyond our imagination
With lights as bright as the sun
No fear, no pain, no worry
Just joy. Just love.

You may feel we have separated
But we remain
Long after we must part
Love remains~~

It will wrap you up like a warm towel after a hot bath.
It will sing you to sleep.
It will wake you when the sky is so beautifully blue
that you simply must not miss it.
Maybe you will find a nickel
Catch a rainbow gracing gloom
Spot a dragonfly under the sparkling sun
See the most delicious bloom under a peculiar tree
See a bird soar high above this Wild world.
That is my love being sent straight to you

That is when you’ll know
You have found me
When you have opened your heart
Just enough to see the magic
That remains
That is me
I am always there

I was on top of the world from the day I knew we would be together
I am still ….
Right here.
A light to guide you through this world
In your heart
And right beside you too
Every step of the way.

Keep on being brave
It matters
The tough parts are little bridges that we must trust and
we must cross.
They don’t go on forever.
They just get us to the good stuff.

I hope you do the things you love today.
Go for a drive,
Walk through the garden
Bake a cake
Drink a big cup of coffee with just the right milk and sugar.
Make yourself smile cuz that’s the time I love the most. 🙂
I love you always, forever,
and still…

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A Letter from my dad…written by me

Do you remember that day I sat at the table, head in hands?

When you told me “you’re a good man dad”

I replied “I don’t know”

Hi

I know it’s kind of late

And I should have told you then

I should have and I would have if I only could have

You meant the world to me

You lit up the room

Your little face so full of hope

Your courage to show sun in that room of dark and gloom

Why didn’t I let you get to me with your light

Your hope that I’d be happy that day…or the next, or the next

You kept a smile for me.

I know it was hard to put it on when all around was ugly

Ugly words dripping from the walls to the floor

Leaving piles of muck years and years old

Your feet would drag with all their mite to get through

Cuz maybe that day, things would be different

But it never would be

I couldn’t be who you wished me to be

The Steve Martin dad who lit up for his daughter

That look that let her know how proud he was

She was good enough

She was so much more

And you were, my little strawberry banana shortcake baby

Do you remember that day I sat at the table, head in hands?

When you told me “you’re a good man dad”

I replied “I don’t know”

I know I didn’t deserve your resilience

I can imagine what you should have said to me

I want you to know I’m sorry

I want to tell you that I wish I could have said I’m sorry

Started fresh

Given you all what you deserved

A place to be loved and feel happy

A place that was kind, respectful and peaceful

A home where you were sure of yourself and how wonderful you are.

Instead you woke up each morning and listened ….waiting to hear my voice

Would I be ok

Would I be screaming and nasty

Would my face already be twisted with anger,

Shrieking toxic hate

Either way you would face each day and try so hard to be everything you could to somehow fix me and make me happy and proud of all of us.

I wish you had known to save your energy for better things.

Nothing you could do would have made a difference

I’m sorry you wore yourself out giving from an empty bucket

I thank God your mom is who she is

Through all my rage she showed you care and love

She made you feel important and special despite being torn down each day

Where did she find the endless well to water what I left to die in the drought

I’ll never be able to repair the damage I did

I poured that thick cloud of disgust on everything our family did

In the best of days I could throw a match that would burn every good thing out of every good moment

I had a skill with rancid words like no other

I am sorry

I wanted so much to be the man you could still see in me

I was in there, but my dear girl, somehow along my path I lost him and my anger grew like a wildfire

I know you don’t understand where it came from.

I know you wish you could

But no matter the why or how of it, one thing is certain

My family deserved better

I love you

I’m proud of you

I’m sorry