I’ll eat at home.

I don’t want to be required to talk to people to get my food.

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I don’t usually like eating at restaurants or other peoples houses. I don’t want to be required to talk to people to get my food. What if they seat me at a table with 2-4 hard chairs?  No, I need a booth.  A quiet, cozy booth out of the way of traffic and bright windows.  What if I order something super scrumptious and want to stuff it in, but then cannot even enjoy it because of all the people around who might be watching me eat? I’ll be forced to take pretty little bites and dab my lips over and over.  Things will get sloppy and I’ll be stuck trekking through a bunch of tables and people to find the washroom. It will be smelly and have super loud flushing toilets that flush when I’m not ready.  There will be hand dryers that only go off once I am certain they aren’t working with my type of motion. It will be too dark to actually see the sauce on my uncomfortable outing outfit.  As I find my way back to the table I will wonder if people are staring.  If I see someone look at me I will assume I have something dreadful stuck to my shoe or worse, maybe I forgot to pull my pants up!  I’ll wish I had checked the mirror just one more time.

I don’t feel “chill” enough to risk going to someone’s house where I’m likely already in something way less comfy than yoga pants and a sweater and then be served fish. Or something equally grotesque like liver? How do I maintain my happy-go-lucky, calm persona when the look and smell of the food on my plate make me feel like I might start spinning around while vomiting like the exorcist girl? What if they have no diet coke…only regular? What if they don’t have kids and want to talk about politics? What if they have some fancy fork or tong that everyone but me knows how to use? What if their toilet runs over??  What if they serve wine and they start to wonder if I had too much when I slur my words, not realizing I’m just really uncomfortable and rarely speak without some sort of nonsense coming out.  What if I DO have too much wine and I start channeling their deceased Grandma or recently departed hamster??  No thanks, I’ll eat at home.

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