The lil bug

I saw you there

In my watering can

And just in time

I scooped you up

And placed you gently

On my favourite marigold

You were so pleased

I could feel your love

As you wiggled and danced

Stretching out your

Lil body on that bright orange petal

You wanted to live

So life filled you

You wanted to fly

And you grew wings

Perhaps they were always there

But somehow

In that moment

It seemed anything was possible

That if you shared your world with an insect

They would share a tiny miracle

With you

And off you flew

Right by my happy eyes

To explore your world

Leaving me so thankful

For mine

But it wasn’t yours

And it wasn’t mine

It was ours

Salad in a Blender

Until quirks are the norm, life will never be as fun as it was surely intended to be.

The world is made up of many people who see, feel, and think differently.  We need to start being ok with a world that doesn’t look and do things one way.


In fact, I’m certain if we look to those who see and feel and think differently and value their experience, perspective and ideas we will see beautiful change in this world.

  Someone jumps on the spot because it calms them. 
Someone needing to chill and be alone  doesn’t mean they are mean or that they are angry with you.


We might not call someone lazy because they don’t want to jump from their school day to another activity or don’t like to partake in certain events.  Taking in the sensory world usually feels like a herd of galloping clydesdales heading straight for you!  It is exhausting! 

Let us focus on the things we love.
Help us find confidence in doing things that use our natural talents and bring us peace!  That way, the precious stores of incredible, abundant or limited, energy will be used in the best way!

We might not laugh about someone who speaks awkwardly because we would know it’s just because their mind is going 1000 miles a minute and they can’t instinctively find the right words at the right times.  We think and speak and wonder and rearrange and worry and visualize all in the same moment.


We wouldn’t freak out over a meltdown in public because, hey, being out in public is a touch tortuous.  Being with people who don’t know how and why it is, makes it even more painful.

Like being the only one who can see a tornado coming, nobody else is sweating and screaming and when it is over, your little house is the only thing that got blown over and everyone is looking at you….then you need to search for somewhere to retreat into solitude, confused but also happy that you’re now safe and alone.

We would start making things easier for each other instead of trying to chop down a person’s strongest roots.  Eliminate the undesirable behaviours….a terrible term.  Here’s the thing…if you give me a chance to breathe and step back and close a door, I can do so much more than if you downplay my emotions or remove comfort zones or routines.

You can’t just say “oh we make him/her do this/that because autism doesn’t rule our life”  I just cringe anytime I hear people talk like that because that sounds like they are disregarding the difficulty their loved one has with certain outings or situations. You actually DO need to adjust your life a little.  And there is no “getting used to” things that bring you extreme discomfort. Exposure therapy?? No.  All you are doing is taking my reaction and suffocating it when it’s best for you.  Where does the pain go that I’m experiencing?  I’ll tell you a few places   it could show up.  A meltdown.   Lashing out.  Eating disorders.  Alcoholism.  Depression.  So you think you’ve handled the “undesirable behaviour ”   but all you have done is forced your needs on another and forced them to seek comfort in destructive ways to self.

Great things come from gentle, loving encouragement.   And allowing time for our minds to get wrapped around whatever it is your wishing us to do.


If we decide we will take on this request. . I like a start time, an end time, break time, and the ability to be comfortable wherever it is we are headed.  Please be ok with going over the plan a few times if necessary   I am mapping it out in my head to be ready for each step.   Please don’t surprise me with unexpected people and extend the duration of the outing.  I might agree to lunch out, but I don’t want to sit at a table by the line up waiting to be seated or in the path of the glaring offensive sun beaming through a curtain-less window.  

You wouldn’t pour a 10 kg bag of flour into a teacup.  Yes you got a teacup of flour but what happens to the rest of that perfect and valuable flour? I would never run my lovely dinner salad through the blender.  Why would you do that to your beautiful salad?  I’d much rather let my salad be a salad all colours, fresh and crispy.  One simple step back can give someone struggling the power to move 100 steps forward.  Trust me on this. 

If you know someone who has autism or a sensory processing disorder or any other type of amazing difference, know that they’re doing the very best they can at every possible moment.  It’s the only way they know.  We learned early on about expectations and the inner calm we would sacrifice to meet them.   If you are able to help someone get through their day a little easier you can then see just how super fabulously smart, dedicated and kind they are.

When someone sees their path ahead full of scary beasts, and they know they have to get through it no matter what, they go in cringing and screaming and waiting for pain.  Total torture.  Then guess what?  They get to look forward to a replay every day of their life.  Starts to feel like dread.  Starts to feel like an ending before the beginning. Defeated.  You know there won’t be time to refuel.  You know you’ll have to mask or pretend through most interactions just to get by.

  I grew up with all kinds of sensory issues that I worked at 100%, 24/7 just to “fit in”.  That fitting in felt like fighting the beasts.  I still have to work at it every day. 

It must become typical and wonderful to see true authenticity.  Let’s scratch the idea of conforming.  Let’s praise our kids for being real and honest and not giving in to the pressures of society. Embrace the quirks.  Until quirks are the norm, life will never be as fun as it was surely intended to be.  Let’s stop assuming and expecting.  It’s hurting people!  Let’s find out about comfort zones and preference and know that not everyone can show up or tackle stuff or manage basics without costing them their entire energy allowance for that day.  Or week or month.  Burnout happens.  It happens much quicker when little tasks use huge amounts of your energy and peace of mind.  You feel life become a pool of quicksand where you know you will never get out.  The more you try the more you sink.  The only way to win is for the struggle to be recognized and adjustments to be made.  You CAN walk a different path.  You don’t NEED to go through the quicksand.
 
What if some kind soul opened a side door where the beasts couldn’t fit…and we could go along with our day free of pain, feeling safe, all while knowing we have a friend.  That sounds nice right?  And logical too?

It can be as simple as:

Turning down your music.

Forgetting about eye contact.

Closing a blind.

Letting someone sit in the chair they always sit in.

Allowing a chill out for 5 min.

Stop talking so much.

Give someone time to absorb new info and see it clearly anyway they need, whether through visuals or just extra time to think it through before demanding input or decisions.

Don’t be offended if they don’t want to eat lunch with you or get together later.  They may have had all they can take just with the basics of life and just cannot fathom adding extras.

These sound like small and fair things for anyone no matter who they are doesn’t it?

We need each other!  We need our differences.  We need to change this world from a place where everyone needs to “strain” the unique flavours out and pretend to be vanilla  into a world where possibilities and the magic of true self are endless. 
❤️😊🧡🐙💛🐌💚🐝💙🐛💜🐘🙃❤️

As the Light Must Do

Are we frozen?

In a continuous aftermath
Unable to avoid the broken glass

And jump to the safety
Of a new beginning

Where everything we treasure
Waits safely
Just past the grip of this storm

Held so close
Within us all
Slowly smothered by a wall

Loved but hidden
Valued but ignored
Waiting for freedom

Self inflicted bars, fences, rules
Locked gates
Stolen keys

Trying desperately
To keep the pain
Of an unrecognizable world
From seeping in

Nightmares repeating
Dreams forgotten
Anxiously trusting
Suspicion reigning

Break free
Of dominating forces

They are weak.

They are a storm passing
Always seeking new places to
Test their strength

A quiet voice
To drown out

A glimpse of joy
To shadow with
twisted truths

The handmade tarps
Sheltering our innocence
Begin to pull away

But we are not weak

We are not silenced

Step out from behind these
Suffocating barriers
And love will find you

Before this storm tries 
To break the fragile windows
Of another soul
With it’s cowardly facade of
Lightning bolts and wind blown decay

Our sun rises

It shines as the light
Must do

To melt the ice
Of fear, hatred, greed and injustice

We are not frozen.

We are jumping from this mess
of broken glass
Into a new and certain horizon

Where we are free

Truth and dreams are shared

Acceptance is abundant
 
Trust is restored

Communities filled with hope
Built with respect,
Love and belief
Of every
Good thing

The storm must pass
As we join hands

And jump

 from fear..

                                       ..To love

I’m Here

I’m here. I need you to know.

I replay moments that we shared and ones I’ve dreamed

For you I’m just a scent and just a song away

For me you’re a whisper, a smile, a big step forward when I’m afraid and tired.

I see you being brave.
In that moment you breathe in
In that moment you breathe out
In that moment your tears flow freely
In that moment you choose joy
I am here.

For you I live in an entire kaleidoscope of infinite stories that you read and tell and remember how they were told to you while I held you in my arms.
There’s nothing like that warm, safe dream of together.

I wish for it every second I’m still.
I beg for it back when I’m worn out.
When I don’t have anything left to hide all the stuff I keep underneath.

Those days do come
I’ll be there to help you hold that heavy feeling
You’ll find peace in a memory and laughter will soon follow.

I just wish you were here

I am ~ close your eyes
Do you see me?
Just on the other side of the thinnest wall where you can still feel my presence.
Still hear my laughter
Still feel your heart thumping when you see my eyes light up for you.

I really wish I could talk to you
Just once more

You can~I hear you
I bet you can hear me too

My love knows you through and through and treasures every bit.
You get to keep that for all eternity
And so do I.
Love exists in a realm surpassing life and death.

How do I find you?
How will I know you’re still here with me?

Did you know there is no end sweetheart~~
Only places far beyond our imagination
With lights as bright as the sun
No fear, no pain, no worry
Just joy. Just love.

You may feel we have separated
But we remain
Long after we must part
Love remains~~

It will wrap you up like a warm towel after a hot bath.
It will sing you to sleep.
It will wake you when the sky is so beautifully blue
that you simply must not miss it.
Maybe you will find a nickel
Catch a rainbow gracing gloom
Spot a dragonfly under the sparkling sun
See the most delicious bloom under a peculiar tree
See a bird soar high above this Wild world.
That is my love being sent straight to you

That is when you’ll know
You have found me
When you have opened your heart
Just enough to see the magic
That remains
That is me
I am always there

I was on top of the world from the day I knew we would be together
I am still ….
Right here.
A light to guide you through this world
In your heart
And right beside you too
Every step of the way.

Keep on being brave
It matters
The tough parts are little bridges that we must trust and
we must cross.
They don’t go on forever.
They just get us to the good stuff.

I hope you do the things you love today.
Go for a drive,
Walk through the garden
Bake a cake
Drink a big cup of coffee with just the right milk and sugar.
Make yourself smile cuz that’s the time I love the most. 🙂
I love you always, forever,
and still…

Seeker

By light of the day
On winds of the past
Our patchwork hearts
Are together at last

Forever to run
Freely to go
With a dash of sweet mystery
Full of unknown

Promise to wish
From the depths of your soul
Where bones turn to petals
And diamonds to coal

Where my dream
And your nightmare
Dance until dawn
Til the wishes on dandelions
Blanket the lawn

And we jump from the clouds
As the rain splashes down
Water drenched sunshine
Soaking the ground

And the petal takes root
Becoming a tree
Whose bones lay beneath
So sacred
And free

Hold your coal warm and close
Treasure hides like a secret
Waiting of course
For the seeker
To seek it….

Sept 18,2018

Promise

Our hearts were born with a promise
To beat with hope
Love
And truth
No matter what
To stay gentle
In disgrace
To share love
Through hate
And when the big storms pass ~

We are there
For those who lost their way
A light for all to find their own
Carried with them all along

Slowly remove the suffocating layers
That blurred the holes
Our souls peek through

Attempts to hide joy
With fear
Shattered with
The rise of those who embrace
The possibility of wonder

Soft heart’s
Begin to beat as one
Shining light back
To the sun

Lifting all
From pain to ease
From depleted to content
From lost
To found

There is a moment
When our world will change
You will feel it
As you choose to shine
To turn from
Thoughts that
Shake your heart
To those that flutter through you
Like butterflies through a garden
Watch as joy
Showers you in surprise.

The Garden

I did not go to the garden for a sea of delicate pink
I went for the weeds, the breeze,
The moon kissed cuddle…
Of hundreds of shades,
From vivid
To subtle..

I looked for the insects that worked there
I found butterflies who played there
I sat down in the dirt and dug my fingers down deep
I took off my shoes, pausing to take it all in

Every bloom slightly different
Dazzled equallly

Every similar leaf
So dissimilar

The colour within colour not defining the roots
Just sharing a piece of it’s evolution,
History, Moments…
light…shadow

And where the garden was planted
It grows
How it was cared for
Surely shows
Influence of it’s beauty
And nourishment
Scattered like the sunrise
Blanketing our cold hungry bones in warmth

I went to the garden
Eager
For it’s diversity

Wish

As life shifts,
from those good times
To more challenging,
Less satisfying times,
There’s something we can try.

We can remember
Our appreciation of it’s perfection…
Our appreciation and the feeling …
That feeling we had
When things were really good.

As we let our minds wander
around those memories that make us feel invincible..
Those thoughts that fill us with joy,
And strength,
And the trust in harmony,
And in sweet dreams,
And in our own good hearts..

Very soon, as if by magic..
Those things we love,
Will show up in a brand new way
In a brand new place.

Lane Change

As we sat in our trucks
and cars
So close to each other
But minds so far

Only thinking of what’s next
Rushing from one thing to another

A seagull floated above
Sorry for us

He was free
He was at ease

We were stressed and anxious
Annoyed and hurried

He was unaware of the time
Unaware of the congestion

We were squeezing in,
Cutting off,
Muttering profanity

He wished we could stop
get out of the lane
We had chosen
Step back
Breathe the air
Surrounding the chaos
We had sped to join

And see each other
For a moment
Not see a black car
A red truck

But the child inside each of us
Dreaming of being free
Just like him

How do we step out of our routine
To witness a better scenario
How do we change lanes
When we feel so stuck
In this “race” we hope to win

This race that ends where?
When we collapse in our beds?
When we scream at our loved ones?
When we cry out of fear,
Or worry?

What are we gaining
As we rush on
To get more
To be more
To do more

There is never more at the end of a race

There is an END

Before the end

Wouldn’t you like to just be?

Just sit down for a moment

Look around you

Smile

Breathe

See the birds as they float and soar

Smell the air as a new season emerges

Count your blessings

I feel we have all reached our limits, don’t you?

We must pause, reassess, and make sure we aren’t missing the point of being here in the first place.

I know you can’t believe you were born to push yourself to be anything you are not

I know you cannot believe that you meant to race through life, on little sleep, little nutrition, little joy

I know you don’t want to spend one more day in this “race” missing everything surrounding you

Ending in exhaustion and an empty heart

Your soul is aching to be free…

We may not be free to fly like the birds

But we truly are free to choose what we wish for ourselves

And move towards that.

Even if it’s just one little thing

I dare you to change one part of your life that causes you dread

Isn’t it funny to think we keep things in our lives that cause us dread?

I guarantee we each have one that we could get rid of

When I started to try to embrace my true self, to be a happier me, one of the first things I chose to do was to admit I hated to talk on the phone…ahhhh thats one less thing to face in this world that was bringing me stress.

As Ferris Bueller once said

“Life moves pretty fast…if you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it”

Silent Beauty

I found I could not taste the soup

As I read aloud

I wanted the words to be beautiful

You must be silent to ever satisfy your hunger.

And what you speak when you are content,

Will only ever be …

Beautiful

A Momma Named Lynda Jean

For my momma on Mother’s Day. May 14th, 2017

Did you know that I can still see your gorgeous shiny hair as you took out your curlers?
You still have the best hair

Did you know that I’ll never forget the time I came home to you finishing the wall paper in my room? There you were surrounded by pink and blossoms and coated in sticky glue ~ I can still smell that glorious freshly papered room. I loved it so much. Thank you.

Did you know that I still love wiener pizza? That was and always will be a heck of a good idea.

Did you know that I appreciate each and every time you let me stay home with a tummy ache? I was a super sensitive lil gal and no other momma would have understood me as you did.

Did you know I am STILL super sensitive? And sometimes the only cure is coffee with mom.

Did you know I have no idea who Rita’s cousin’s uncle’s neighbour’s son is or what year he got married? I know you know. You know the names and dates and places of anything I could ever wish to know. Thank you for being my infinite source of facts and forgotten tidbits.

Did you know that I will never forget how much you did for all of us? From meals and baking to sewing and endless chores. To saving me from weird situations and smoothing things over when I thought they were unable to be repaired. From something you found or made for me “specially”. To the many moves and fresh starts. From homemade donuts after chicken catching. To making me believe that I “shouldn’t even worry about it” and nothing I feared was a big deal. Thank you.

Did you know that Maddy and Max find the same comfort with you?
Maddy even told me this week I “sure was lucky cuz I got to have Grandma as my mom.” You better believe it Beana. The luckiest.

Did you know that I can still hear GX94 playing our songs?? Jiving around the kitchen. Or were we waltzing? Was it a polka? Hmmm

Did you know that you may never beat my Zuma score and that’s ok. 😜🐸

Did you know that I may have looked 10 years older by now if it hadn’t been for Lynda “poppins” early morning pop ins after the babies were born! Thank you for the naps. The laundry. The meals. The advice. The shoulder to cry on.

Did you know I hope my kids feel the same way about me that I feel about you ~ if I can provide them love and laughter and wisdom and comfort and maybe bake some cookies now and then maybe I can pull it off. It’s not always easy but I am following in the most beautiful footsteps one could follow.
Thank you momma for being my momma.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!
The favourite.