I’m Here

I’m here. I need you to know.

I replay moments that we shared and ones I’ve dreamed

For you I’m just a scent and just a song away

For me you’re a whisper, a smile, a big step forward when I’m afraid and tired.

I see you being brave.
In that moment you breathe in
In that moment you breathe out
In that moment your tears flow freely
In that moment you choose joy
I am here.

For you I live in an entire kaleidoscope of infinite stories that you read and tell and remember how they were told to you while I held you in my arms.
There’s nothing like that warm, safe dream of together.

I wish for it every second I’m still.
I beg for it back when I’m worn out.
When I don’t have anything left to hide all the stuff I keep underneath.

Those days do come
I’ll be there to help you hold that heavy feeling
You’ll find peace in a memory and laughter will soon follow.

I just wish you were here

I am ~ close your eyes
Do you see me?
Just on the other side of the thinnest wall where you can still feel my presence.
Still hear my laughter
Still feel your heart thumping when you see my eyes light up for you.

I really wish I could talk to you
Just once more

You can~I hear you
I bet you can hear me too

My love knows you through and through and treasures every bit.
You get to keep that for all eternity
And so do I.
Love exists in a realm surpassing life and death.

How do I find you?
How will I know you’re still here with me?

Did you know there is no end sweetheart~~
Only places far beyond our imagination
With lights as bright as the sun
No fear, no pain, no worry
Just joy. Just love.

You may feel we have separated
But we remain
Long after we must part
Love remains~~

It will wrap you up like a warm towel after a hot bath.
It will sing you to sleep.
It will wake you when the sky is so beautifully blue
that you simply must not miss it.
Maybe you will find a nickel
Catch a rainbow gracing gloom
Spot a dragonfly under the sparkling sun
See the most delicious bloom under a peculiar tree
See a bird soar high above this Wild world.
That is my love being sent straight to you

That is when you’ll know
You have found me
When you have opened your heart
Just enough to see the magic
That remains
That is me
I am always there

I was on top of the world from the day I knew we would be together
I am still ….
Right here.
A light to guide you through this world
In your heart
And right beside you too
Every step of the way.

Keep on being brave
It matters
The tough parts are little bridges that we must trust and
we must cross.
They don’t go on forever.
They just get us to the good stuff.

I hope you do the things you love today.
Go for a drive,
Walk through the garden
Bake a cake
Drink a big cup of coffee with just the right milk and sugar.
Make yourself smile cuz that’s the time I love the most. 🙂
I love you always, forever,
and still…

Seeker

By light of the day
On winds of the past
Our patchwork hearts
Are together at last

Forever to run
Freely to go
With a dash of sweet mystery
Full of unknown

Promise to wish
From the depths of your soul
Where bones turn to petals
And diamonds to coal

Where my dream
And your nightmare
Dance until dawn
Til the wishes on dandelions
Blanket the lawn

And we jump from the clouds
As the rain splashes down
Water drenched sunshine
Soaking the ground

And the petal takes root
Becoming a tree
Whose bones lay beneath
So sacred
And free

Hold your coal warm and close
Treasure hides like a secret
Waiting of course
For the seeker
To seek it….

Sept 18,2018

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Promise

Our hearts were born with a promise
To beat with hope
Love
And truth
No matter what
To stay gentle
In disgrace
To share love
Through hate
And when the big storms pass ~

We are there
For those who lost their way
A light for all to find their own
Carried with them all along

Slowly remove the suffocating layers
That blurred the holes
Our souls peek through

Attempts to hide joy
With fear
Shattered with
The rise of those who embrace
The possibility of wonder

Soft heart’s
Begin to beat as one
Shining light back
To the sun

Lifting all
From pain to ease
From depleted to content
From lost
To found

There is a moment
When our world will change
You will feel it
As you choose to shine
To turn from
Thoughts that
Shake your heart
To those that flutter through you
Like butterflies through a garden
Watch as joy
Showers you in surprise.

The Garden

I did not go to the garden for a sea of delicate pink
I went for the weeds, the breeze,
The moon kissed cuddle…
Of hundreds of shades,
From vivid
To subtle..

I looked for the insects that worked there
I found butterflies who played there
I sat down in the dirt and dug my fingers down deep
I took off my shoes, pausing to take it all in

Every bloom slightly different
Dazzled equallly

Every similar leaf
So dissimilar

The colour within colour not defining the roots
Just sharing a piece of it’s evolution,
History, Moments…
light…shadow

And where the garden was planted
It grows
How it was cared for
Surely shows
Influence of it’s beauty
And nourishment
Scattered like the sunrise
Blanketing our cold hungry bones in warmth

I went to the garden
Eager
For it’s diversity

Wish

As life shifts,
from those good times
To more challenging,
Less satisfying times,
There’s something we can try.

We can remember
Our appreciation of it’s perfection…
Our appreciation and the feeling …
That feeling we had
When things were really good.

As we let our minds wander
around those memories that make us feel invincible..
Those thoughts that fill us with joy,
And strength,
And the trust in harmony,
And in sweet dreams,
And in our own good hearts..

Very soon, as if by magic..
Those things we love,
Will show up in a brand new way
In a brand new place.

Lane Change

As we sat in our trucks
and cars
So close to each other
But minds so far

Only thinking of what’s next
Rushing from one thing to another

A seagull floated above
Sorry for us

He was free
He was at ease

We were stressed and anxious
Annoyed and hurried

He was unaware of the time
Unaware of the congestion

We were squeezing in,
Cutting off,
Muttering profanity

He wished we could stop
get out of the lane
We had chosen
Step back
Breathe the air
Surrounding the chaos
We had sped to join

And see each other
For a moment
Not see a black car
A red truck

But the child inside each of us
Dreaming of being free
Just like him

How do we step out of our routine
To witness a better scenario
How do we change lanes
When we feel so stuck
In this “race” we hope to win

This race that ends where?
When we collapse in our beds?
When we scream at our loved ones?
When we cry out of fear,
Or worry?

What are we gaining
As we rush on
To get more
To be more
To do more

There is never more at the end of a race

There is an END

Before the end

Wouldn’t you like to just be?

Just sit down for a moment

Look around you

Smile

Breathe

See the birds as they float and soar

Smell the air as a new season emerges

Count your blessings

I feel we have all reached our limits, don’t you?

We must pause, reassess, and make sure we aren’t missing the point of being here in the first place.

I know you can’t believe you were born to push yourself to be anything you are not

I know you cannot believe that you meant to race through life, on little sleep, little nutrition, little joy

I know you don’t want to spend one more day in this “race” missing everything surrounding you

Ending in exhaustion and an empty heart

Your soul is aching to be free…

We may not be free to fly like the birds

But we truly are free to choose what we wish for ourselves

And move towards that.

Even if it’s just one little thing

I dare you to change one part of your life that causes you dread

Isn’t it funny to think we keep things in our lives that cause us dread?

I guarantee we each have one that we could get rid of

When I started to try to embrace my true self, to be a happier me, one of the first things I chose to do was to admit I hated to talk on the phone…ahhhh thats one less thing to face in this world that was bringing me stress.

As Ferris Bueller once said

“Life moves pretty fast…if you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it”

Silent Beauty

I found I could not taste the soup

As I read aloud

I wanted the words to be beautiful

You must be silent to ever satisfy your hunger.

And what you speak when you are content,

Will only ever be …

Beautiful

A Momma Named Lynda Jean

For my momma on Mother’s Day. May 14th, 2017

Did you know that I can still see your gorgeous shiny hair as you took out your curlers?
You still have the best hair

Did you know that I’ll never forget the time I came home to you finishing the wall paper in my room? There you were surrounded by pink and blossoms and coated in sticky glue ~ I can still smell that glorious freshly papered room. I loved it so much. Thank you.

Did you know that I still love wiener pizza? That was and always will be a heck of a good idea.

Did you know that I appreciate each and every time you let me stay home with a tummy ache? I was a super sensitive lil gal and no other momma would have understood me as you did.

Did you know I am STILL super sensitive? And sometimes the only cure is coffee with mom.

Did you know I have no idea who Rita’s cousin’s uncle’s neighbour’s son is or what year he got married? I know you know. You know the names and dates and places of anything I could ever wish to know. Thank you for being my infinite source of facts and forgotten tidbits.

Did you know that I will never forget how much you did for all of us? From meals and baking to sewing and endless chores. To saving me from weird situations and smoothing things over when I thought they were unable to be repaired. From something you found or made for me “specially”. To the many moves and fresh starts. From homemade donuts after chicken catching. To making me believe that I “shouldn’t even worry about it” and nothing I feared was a big deal. Thank you.

Did you know that Maddy and Max find the same comfort with you?
Maddy even told me this week I “sure was lucky cuz I got to have Grandma as my mom.” You better believe it Beana. The luckiest.

Did you know that I can still hear GX94 playing our songs?? Jiving around the kitchen. Or were we waltzing? Was it a polka? Hmmm

Did you know that you may never beat my Zuma score and that’s ok. 😜🐸

Did you know that I may have looked 10 years older by now if it hadn’t been for Lynda “poppins” early morning pop ins after the babies were born! Thank you for the naps. The laundry. The meals. The advice. The shoulder to cry on.

Did you know I hope my kids feel the same way about me that I feel about you ~ if I can provide them love and laughter and wisdom and comfort and maybe bake some cookies now and then maybe I can pull it off. It’s not always easy but I am following in the most beautiful footsteps one could follow.
Thank you momma for being my momma.

Happy Mother’s Day!!!
The favourite.

The Bench

The bench that waits
Beside the creek
Where I listen
And tall trees speak

As I learn
To understand
Nature’s voice
Is calm and grand

Quiet, whispers the sun
The very best
Is yet to come

Will it be a bunny
An owl or a butterfly?
No! It is the smiles
Of a couple passing by!

Surrender

I guess I wished I could set it aside
Leave it behind
That it would disappear
Or be picked up
Cracks patched
And be ok

But that’s not how we did things
I understood it belonged to me
Only for me
And no one else
I understood that nobody else
Wanted to see it

If they did
They would see imperfection,
weakness,
failure..

So I smuggled it in
Under a lovely sleepy moon
Cursed it for not being worthy
And as the sun came up
Placed it gently into a beautiful box
Wrapped it in pretty paper
Tied it tightly with a very nice ribbon
And towed it behind me like a prisoner would drag a ball a chain

Sometimes people ask
What is that??
It looks so pretty
It seems special,
Why do you ignore it?

Oh that?
It IS pretty
I make sure it looks just right
I make sure it doesn’t get in anyone else’s way
It is only for me
And no one else

I’m not sure if I’ll ever open it..

I’m sure getting tired of dragging it around though..

Sometimes I imagine how I would feel
To rip it open
Like it were Christmas morning
And shout “Ta da!!”
“Hey look at this!!”
Put it on display for all to see

There’s just no chance for it,
Hidden within such pretty paper

But to display it, say, on a mantle
Well there,
It may fall~~
Fall to the hard tile floor
Forever set free
Like me~~